I am an effete intellectual, skilled in condescension.  I build model bridges to nowhere out of toothpicks lifted from Air Force One.

I excite constituents with my jaunty jogs to the podium, and take over entire industries with the swipe of a pen.  I can bowl a 37…left-handed. 

I bow down to dictators and persecute allies.  I’m loved in third-world countries…and in all 57 states.

I give healthcare waivers to unions and the shaft to corporations.  My Attorney General is Fast and Furious.

I’m a uniter who divides; a role model who smokes; and an environmentalist with an enormous carbon footprint.  I look awesome in a bicycle helmet.

I’ve been known to throw out the first pitch…and get it almost halfway to the plate.  I can beat Sarah Palin three out five falls.

I give a 10 minute speech in an hour, and answer three press conference questions in 90 minutes.  I read a teleprompter with one eye tied behind my back.

I can change the tone in Washington.  Acoustical engineers marvel at my genius.

I walk on water in Hollywood and eggshells in Israel.  My administration has more czars than a Romanov family reunion.

I can golf after a tsunami, and down a large cone on Martha’s Vineyard while the economy is burning.

I'm cool as a cucumber and smart as a whip.  Just ask anybody and MSNBC.  I’ll send a thrill up your leg and a shiver through your wallet.  Fat cats tremble in my presence.

I can't go to my right on the basketball court, and won't in the court of public opinion.  In college, I dated Warren Buffett.

The Laws of Economics do not apply to me.

I’m your boogie man.  That’s what I am.

Sincerely,
Barack Obama