Let me tell you a story about what government-run healthcare might be like.  It's not for the faint of heart, so please be sure that small children and the elderly are kept at a safe distance. 

Playing the role of faceless, feckless, and friggin' incompetent bureaucrats is Cox Communications, our cable and Internet service provider here in Scottsdale. 

Allow me to set the scene for our little novella. 

Act I

We were scheduled to arrive at our home in Scottsdale on Wednesday, the 14th.  The prior evening we contacted Cox and arranged for them to reconnect our cable and Internet service the following day, Wednesday.  They informed us it would be done sometime between 7AM and 7PM.  That seemed like kind of a big window, but what the hell, we were leaving 40 something degree miserable Pittsburgh weather behind for the near perfect conditions of the north Sonoran desert.  Life was good...or so we thought.

As planned, we did land in Scottsdale on Wednesday afternoon.  Not surprisingly, the weather was beautiful.  Low 90's and not a cloud in the sky.  After collecting our luggage, we were whisked away by our good friend and neighbor, Frank, to a little piece of paradise called Troon North.  Life was good...and getting better.

The 30 minute or so drive to our home reminded us of our good fortune and just how beautiful it is in the Southwest.  We reach our destination, trundle up to the front door, unlock and open it, and are greeted by the fresh cut flowers Frank's wife, Kathy, placed inside.  Could it get any better?  Why yes it could, Kathy also left us a box of cereal and half gallon of skim milk.  Beautiful!  I can take care of my cereal fix without having to make a trip to the store.  I'm certain this is how King's live.

Of course, being the web junkie that I am, my next move was to ascertain if the cable and Internet had been turned back on.  I found a TV remote, pressed the power button and saw nothing but static.  Damn!  Ok, life might not be perfect, but it was still pretty dang awesome.  A quick glance at my Blackberry told me that there were still two hours remaining before 7PM.  No need to worry, right?  I was quickly and pleasantly distracted when Frank and Kathy informed us that they prepared dinner and we could come over as soon as we were ready.  Shortly thereafter we moseyed the 20 yards over to their home and were treated to a terrific dinner under the stars on their patio overlooking the first fairway of the Monument course at Troon North.  Forget Kings, this is how the Gods must live.

After a great dinner with some terrific wines, we returned home.  By now, it was well past 7PM, so I was ready to kick back, relax, and settle into my nightly routine of cable news, piano practice, and surfing the Internet.  Let's see; where's that remote?  Ahhh, there it is.  Click.  Damn!!!

Act II

The following is an abridged account of at least twenty conversations (no joke), spread over two days, with various Cox representatives and supervisors.  It is not embellished in any way.

Cox:  Hello, how may I help you?

Chuck:  My cable and Internet were supposed to be turned back on yesterday.  Unfortunately, they weren't.  I need it done ASAP today.

Cox:  Account number please?

Chuck:  We don't have an account number, yet, because the service has not been reestablished.

Cox:  Address?

Chuck:  Address provided.

Cox:  Name on the account?

Chuck:  As I mentioned, we don't have an account, yet.

Cox:  Name associated with previous account (before seasonal service was disconnected)?

Chuck:  Angela Dietrick, my wife.

Cox:  Is Angela available?

Chuck:  Yes, hold on.

Angie:  This is Angela.

Cox:  Is this Angela Dietrick?

Angie:  Yes.

Cox:  What is your account PIN?

Angie:  As my husband mentioned, we don't have an account, yet, so we don't have a PIN.

Cox:  Last four digits of your SSN?

Angie:  Digits provided (phone handed back to Chuck).

Cox:  May I put you on hold?

Chuck:  Yes.

Cox (several minutes later):  How may I help you?

Chuck:  Did I just get transferred?

Cox:  I don't know.  How may I help you?

Chuck:  This is Chuck Dietrick, do you have my information?

Cox:  Account number please?

Chuck:  We don't have an account, yet, but you should have other information for us.

Cox:  Address where service is to be connected?

Chuck:  Address provided.

Cox:  Name on the account?

Chuck:  We don't have an account, yet, but Angela Dietrick was the name on the previous account.

Cox:  Is Angela available?

Chuck:  Hold on.

Angie:  This is Angela.

Cox:  Is this Angela Dietrick?

Angie:  Yes.

Cox:  Account PIN?

Angie:  We don't have an account, yet, so we don't have a PIN.  The last four digits of my SSN are XXXX.   Here's my husband again.

Chuck:  Can you please get a technician to our home as soon as possible since nobody showed up yesterday.

Cox:  You said a technician was supposed to be there yesterday?

Chuck:  Yes.  I'm sure you must have a work order that can be checked.

Cox:  One moment please.  Yes, here it is.  It says the technician couldn't get in the gate.

Chuck:  We provided the gate code when we arranged for the service to be reconnected.

Cox:  Oh, here it is.  Is the gate code 1234?

Chuck:  Yes.  Is that what went on the technician's work order?

Cox:  Hold on; let me check.  Ok, here it is.  It says, 9284.  Hmmmm.  That's odd.  Guess we somehow transposed an incorrect gate code on the work order.

Chuck:  When he couldn't get in the gate, why didn't he bother to call one of the two cell phone numbers we provided when we placed the order?

Cox:  That's a good question.  We've apparently screwed up a couple times.

Chuck:  Given that Cox has made some mistakes, can you get somebody here ASAP?

Cox:  Sorry, you're not on the schedule today.

Chuck:  I know, I was on the schedule for yesterday, but you guys messed up.

Cox:  Best I can do is get somebody there by 7PM.

Chuck:  What?

Cox:  Sorry, that's all I can do.

Chuck:  Would you please connect me with a supervisor?

Cox:  One moment, sir.

Cox (several minutes later):  How can I help you?

Chuck:  Are you a supervisor?

Cox:  No I'm not.

Chuck:  What?  I was supposed to be transferred to a supervisor.

Cox:  Account number?

Chuck:  You're kidding, right?

Cox:  Sir?

Chuck:  I've just gone through this process multiple times.  Would you please just connect me with a supervisor?

Cox:  Address?

Chuck:  Address provided.  Now can you connect me with a supervisor?

Cox:  One moment, sir.

Cox (after several minutes):  How may I help you?

Chuck:  Are you a supervisor?

Cox:  Yes I am.

Chuck:  Do you have my record in front of you?

Cox:  No I don't.

Chuck:  You mean to tell me you don't have the capability of attaching my record to a transferred call?

Cox:  Sorry, sir.  Account number?

Chuck:  Am I being punk'd?

Cox:  Pardon me?

Chuck:  You cannot be serious (apologies to John McEnroe).  I've given this information no less than a half dozen times already (I ultimately provided it more than 20 times over the course of 2 days).   There is no account number yet; you can find the record via the address or my wife's cell phone number.

Cox:  Address?

Chuck:  Address provided.

Cox:  Got it.  Let me see.  It appears that we've made some mistakes.

Chuck:  Kind of you to acknowledge that fact.  As such, can you get a technician out here ASAP?

Cox:  I'm going to send an email to our dispatcher immediately to see if we can free somebody up.

Chuck:  An email?  Why don't you call him?

Cox:  We don't have the phone number and can't call them anyway.

Chuck:  You are a communications company, aren't you?

Cox:  Yes, sir; we are.

Chuck:  But you don't have the phone number for a group in your own company and are not allowed to call them if you did?

Cox:  That's correct, sir.

Chuck:  You're sure I'm not being punk'd?

Cox:  Sorry, sir; that's all I can do.  I will monitor it personally and get back to you with an update.

Suffice to say, I never got that status update.  And, the above repeated itself several times over the next day and a half.  There were multiple more calls with clueless representatives and incompetent (or bureaucratically handicapped) supervisors.

Finally, three days and a whole lot of consternation later, a technician was dispatched to complete the 30 second job of reconnecting our cable and Internet service.

Epilogue

No doubt, you've all run into a situation like the one described above.  Cox Communications, of course, is a publically traded private company.  Imagine how bad it would be if the context were medical, and it was the government on the other end of the phone.

Perhaps it would go something like this:

Government Voice Response System (GVRS).
Universal Healthcare Recipient (UHR).

GVRS:  Say xxx or Press 1 if...

GVRS:  Say xxx or Press 2 if....

GVRS:  Say xxx or Press 3 if....

GVRS:  Say xxx or Press 4 if....

GVRS:  Say xxx or Press 5 if....

GVRS:  Say xxx or Press 6 if....

GVRS:  Say xxx or Press 7 if....

...

GVRS:  Say "It burns when I pee" or Press 246 if it burns when you pee.

UHR:  "It burns when I pee."

GVRS:  I'm sorry, did you say that you skinned your knee?

UHR:  "No, it burns when I pee."

GVRS:  I'm sorry, did you say that you were stung by a bee?

UHR:  "No, I SAID IT BURNS WHEN I PEE!!!"

GVRS:  I'm sorry; I don't understand.  Say "Start Over" or Press 1 to start over...."

UHR:  "STICK IT UP YOUR A$%#&!!!"

GVRS:  I'm sorry, did you say that you have a stick up your A$%#&?

I think you get the picture.